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How to Not Completely Suck at Tinder

I noticed something recently…

A lot of people have a mixed concept of what Tinder is all about.  Is it a dating app? Is it a place to meet new people? Or is it an app for a quick one-niter with little to no regrets? If you ask me, I think Tinder is just a lazy, and much more comfortable way for people to say “hey, you…yeah you. I think you’re a good looking person. You’re hot. You get my juices Fa-looowin. Let’s talk a bit so I can make sure you’re,  A. Not a Psycho and B. Not a Catfish”

Anyway that you look at Tinder, it’s fun.  But with anything, I believe there is a right way and a wrong way to Tinder.  Here’s My Top 10 List

#1- Profile Photos

If you’re going to add a bunch of Photos to Tinder, make sure there is at least 1 of JUST YOU!  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve swiped past a person because I was annoyed with all of their group photos.  We get it, you have a shit ton of friends and they are all pretty cool, but it doesn’t help me when I have to CSI my way to finding you.  Which brings me to my next point.

#2- Hot Friends

One of the worst things you can do is post a photo with a hot friend.  Not only does it distract me from looking at you, but it pisses me off when the person I’m attracted to is unattainable.  I have actually contemplated pretending to like a person simply because I wanted to meet her friend (yes, I know its shallow and no, I’m not sorry).  If you have ugly friends, take photos with them…you’ll thank me later.

#3- Stupid Quotes

Dear Lord. I don’t know how many men are guilty of this, but ladies, you are infamous for it. If I see one more Marilyn Monroe quoteI’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure…” blah, blah, blah…WE GET IT.  I’d be more apt to select you if you’d come up with something original.  All that tells me is that you’re a lot of work.  I’d rather you just write, “Hey asshole, I’m not going to give up my life story in my tinder profile. Ask me a question and stop being such a pussy” That girl…I’d totally want to meet.

#4- The Match Ghost

If you swipe right, and we match, and I say “hi” or whatever clever little diddy I come up with, don’t leave a guy hanging.  I understand that most men on this site are complete idiots, but give a guy a chance to prove he’s an idiot before you ignore him. Also…I should not have to have a clever opening remark in order for you to talk to me.

#5- Wanna See My Dick?

I can’t tell you how many girlfriends of mine tell me about guys who INITIATE conversation with that “go-to” one-liner. Dudes, she doesn’t want to see your dick.  No one wants to see your dick. You probably don’t like looking at your own dick. Chill with the comments.  It hurts my chances and helps my chances…but mostly hurts my chances. Don’t cock block me with your tiny, ugly, cabbage patch kid penis.  If you’re really that desperate to get laid, find a wet towel and a porno.  That’s not the way to go.

#6- “Send Me a Pic” a.k.a. “Brett Favre Pics” <—-(when someone sends you a naked photo)

In the same breath as the previous rule, don’t ask a stranger to send you a naked photo of themselves.  I’ve had girls ask me for this (and for the life of me I can’t imagine why) and I “block” them immediately. 1. I don’t know you. 2. If you’re asking me for a naked photo 5 secs after we “met” I don’t think I want to know you. Keep it chill and relaxed and save the “Brett Farve Pics” for later.

#7- Instagram…

I don’t know if you want me to follow you on instagram because you think you’re the shit or because you feel like I need a better way to stalk you.  Sure, I can look at more photos from your life…but I’m also a complete stranger …who can look at MORE photos of your life.  I really enjoy when people add their instagram username and then have a private profile.  Uhh…I’m confused. How am I supposed to know where you like to go and what your house looks like unless your profile is public? …Lose the instagram usernames.

#8- Wait, You’re How Old?

I don’t like prison. Not really a place I’d like to go.  I’m way to pretty for prison and I understand what happens to pretty, middle class, white males in prison. Having said that, if you’re under 18 and feel like you NEED a Tinder…I have a couple questions for you. First of all, don’t you have high school boys/girls you can talk to?  High school is great! Enjoy it. Oh? What’s that? High school guys are jerks? Ohh Nooo! Guess what? Only gets worse in college. Stay ahead of the curve! Ladies you’ll always be smarter than men your own age…and probably older, but trust me on this and stay away from older men until you are older. Stay off Tinder and join some club.

#9- Here’s My Number

We live in a world that seems to take privacy for granted.  Don’t give someone you’re phone number unless you plan on going on a date with them.  I think guys should be the first to cough up the digits. Gives a lady a chance to make the final decision and that’s important in the beginning.

#10- Tinder Dates

Tinder dates are still new and in a way so is online dating. If you’re a guy you need to do everything possible to make a lady feel comfortable meeting you.  Pick a popular bar with a lot of people. Ask if they’d like to grab drinks. Drinks are safe. It’s a casual meeting of two people who seem interested in each other. NOTHING MORE. Don’t make it weird…You’ll ruin the experience for everyone. I have gone on several tinder dates. Some people have just become good friends, others I just don’t talk to anymore. Don’t go into Tinder looking for love, that’s a bit unrealistic. Go into Tinder with an idea. That idea being, at the end of the day, you are just two people who found each other attractive. Whatever happens after that is up to the both of you, but expectations should be limited. Tinder is an app on your iPhone/Android phones…something that didn’t exist 7 years ago…

Good Luck!